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INTRODUCTION to our subject – TWO DIFFERENT REACTIONS

In any given situation you’ll be already aware that men and women respond differently, this is the nature of each sex. But why?

In one particular philosophy seminar I attended almost a decade ago, there was a brief mention of one train of thought as to why both man and women react differently. I would like to examine that belief today.

Please keep an open mind about this subject and in the future examine it at your leisure.

When a situation arises that demands a response:-

Women act first from EMOTION

Men act first with REASON

Before I examine it, allow me to clarify that statement with a short example…

Imagine a young child has just run into the house with a bloody finger, “I’ve just cut my finger on the nail in the fence,” the child cried out!

What initial reaction would either sex give?

Man – would rush out and either remove the nail or flatten it.

Women – would kneel down and comfort the child.

Of course I have given a rather silly example, but I hope you are beginning to follow the train of thought.

Women act first with an emotional reaction and men react first with a reasonable action.

In this mad world we live in, us fickle humans argue. We argue over the colour of corn flakes, we argue over whether 10 minutes is 10 minutes, we argue over the state of our memory, we argue over what we thought we said.

We will never prevent an argument or a serious discussion, but we can weaken its grip. If you know the perspective, the angle, the approach, the reason – call them what you will, but if we know why the other person is so adamant about their position in an argument we at least, at first, can let down our barriers and open an understanding.

Some of the saddest moments in our life are all down to poor communication, regret, frustration, argument, anger and discussion; or one or a mixture of all. If you could understand how to prevent some of this then you would be a happier person.

QUOTE: “Anger is never without an Argument, but seldom with a good one.” (George Savile).

An argument is a heated exchange of opposing views, the very implication of which suggests a sadness and negativity. If I asked you directly, “Do you want sadness and negativity in your life?” I would expect you to say no! But that wouldn’t stop you from having your next argument.

The title of this week’s newsletter is ‘Man/Woman Reaction’ of which arguments have a major place. More often than not, if you were to understand the basis upon which a reaction has been made, you would be able to address it better and prevent any bitterness ever occurring.

QUOTE: “We need to restrain the factors which inhibit COMPASSION and cultivate the factors that are conducive.” (The Dalai Lama)

Whenever we react we must engage first the discipline of restraint, allow me to explain why with this little far eastern story:

“We can thus conceive of the nature of our mind when stirred with reaction, to be similar to that of water in a lake. When the water is disturbed by a storm or by an animal, the mud from the lake’s bottom clouds it, making it appear opaque. But the nature of the water is not dirty, neither would be the nature of our mind during reaction, but until the mud settles, the view is clouded. When the mud settles the water is clear once again.”

Our sensory perception therefore is clouded upon the activity of reaction. Our impulse takes over – women with emotion and men with reason. Generally speaking therefore it is not until the mud settles that we can see clear again.

Until we have a greater awareness of this occurring we will not appreciate the opposite sexes viewpoint. With high emotion and possible arguments being the result of this non-awareness.

In simple terms, if we act positively in reaction we keep others’ interests before us. If we act negatively, neglecting others, we will be selfish and unethical.

We need to ask ourselves whether we have the well-being of others as our principal concern or our own narrow interests.

When we examine these negative thoughts and analyse there grip upon our souls, we begin to see that they are what obstruct our most basic aspiration to be happy and without ailment.

When our mind is in some turbulent mood, often the cause of a reaction, we cannot see further than our initial response. If we view from emotion, we would rarely see reason, if we view from reason, we would rarely see emotion. As the mud settles the clarity would eventually return.

QUOTE: “Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often unconvincing.” (Oscar Wilde).

As we try and attain a level of truth in our life, we may defend a viewpoint. The response that REACTION gives us, is as mentioned, to be ‘clouded water’ until the clarity returns. So how can truth exist until the water clears? Yet we continue to search for the truth in every argument.

An argument is valid or invalid; correct or incorrect; sound or unsound; it cannot be said to be true or false! (It is however relevant to state that its constituent facts maybe true).

So as our vision is clouded during our first few moments of reaction, we need to be extra cautious in our behaviour. Rather than argue with the opposite sex when a reaction is needed, we need to be aware that 90% of our reactions are viewed from emotion or reason, depending on sex.

It is only when we regain our clarity that the opposing view is recognised as valid. We need to trigger the restraint earlier to avoid a blinkered view.

EMOTION is beautiful. It is one of the single most beautiful aspects of our mind. Male or female, first intuitive reaction or later in the scenario, it doesn’t matter; emotion if properly understood will serve you well.

REASON is essential. Its very essentialness is its beauty. Who cannot deny a tool that makes the mind think, understand and form judgements logically. Also able to resolve and find solutions from its logical pattern.

Neither… EMOTION nor REASON can be seen in the first instance as incorrect. Two beautiful aspects of our mind we give little credence to. Yet our failing to understand one or the other, during moments of a clouded mind, is the very route to unhappiness.

So onto this week's story…

2. STORY 1

Let’s look at two stories today. One specifically responding to an incident with EMOTION and the other from REASON.

DANCING MAKES YOU HAPPY (An immediate emotive response)

Trying to be a good mother these days is a great deal of pressure. You need to have your child signed up for preschool while in the womb and in "mommy and me" classes before conceived. You want them to be cultured in all areas of life. You never stop worrying if you are doing a good job as a parent.

I started taking my daughter to plays and museums at a young age. She was my only child so she went where I went. I never let having her stop me from going somewhere. I figured she will start to learn about the world around her. I wanted to teach her all I could. I wanted her to be smart, kind, loving, and caring.

One day I took her to the Natural History Museum in New York City. My daughter was three at the time. I knew she would like the animals, especially the giant whale hanging from the ceiling. She loved whales and dolphins. This was her first trip to the city and a museum. I hoped she would have fun and learn some things.

We walked in to the area where the whale hung and my daughter screamed out while pointing "Mom, Why does that man over there keep dancing?" I turned my head and saw a very handicapped man with problems with his back and legs struggling to walk.

I was so embarrassed by how loud she yelled I knew I had to answer her before she yelled again. I was hoping he did not hear her. I simply replied "He loves to dance, it just makes him happy."

Well he did hear us and was headed toward her. I was lost for words. I was going to just apologize to the gentleman. Just say kids will be kids. He approached us and I saw a smile on his face. He thanked me for having a wonderful child. He said children and adults always make fun of him and that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about him. He turned to her and said "Yes, little angel, I love to dance. It makes me happy." And he wobbled away.

I knew that day I was doing something right as a mom. My daughter taught me a lesson that day. She taught me that the best thing you can do for your child is live by example. By being good to others your child learns to be good to others. To this day, my daughter is now ten, is a kind, compassionate person. I am very proud of who she is growing up to be.

by Regina

From a story where the plot relies solely on emotion, to a story that is based upon fact and well organised reason…

The Secrets of Heaven and Hell (An immediate response from Reason).

The old monk sat by the side of the road. With his eyes closed, his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap, he sat. In deep meditation, he sat.

Suddenly his zazen was interrupted by the harsh and demanding voice of a samurai warrior. "Old man! Teach me about heaven and hell!"

At first, as though he had not heard, there was no perceptible response from the monk. But gradually he began to open his eyes, the faintest hint of a smile playing around the corners of his mouth as the samurai stood there, waiting impatiently, growing more and more agitated with each passing second.

"You wish to know the secrets of heaven and hell?" replied the monk at last. "You who are so unkempt. You whose hands and feet are covered with dirt. You whose hair is uncombed, whose breath is foul, whose sword is all rusty and neglected. You who are ugly and whose mother dresses you funny. You would ask me of heaven and hell?"

The samurai uttered a vile curse. He drew his sword and raised it high above his head. His face turned to crimson and the veins on his neck stood out in bold relief as he prepared to sever the monk's head from its shoulders.

"That is hell," said the old monk gently, just as the sword began its descent.

In that fraction of a second, the samurai was overcome with amazement, awe, compassion and love for this gentle being who had dared to risk his very life to give him such a teaching. He stopped his sword in mid-flight and his eyes filled with grateful tears.

"And that," said the monk, "is heaven."

Both examples are true stories. One from the mouth of a mother and one from the depths of Buddhism, both of which have an equal impact.

3. Story 2

A TIP OR NOT A TIP

I intend to look at this example from a ‘service’ point of view. Service being one of the only aspects of this profession of restaurateurs that encourages a return visit.

Imagine going out for a meal. The service was okay, but a little slow. The meal as ever was very good.

As you come to pay for the meal, what would either sex respond with?

As a male I would leave a ‘tip’, but leave it reluctantly, as I would have reasoned that through as I studied the receipt.

A female on the other hand would often choose to not to leave a tip, as the service didn’t merit a tip.

Amongst many of the qualities of this meal, the man may choose not to loose face with the waitress, and remain proud, by leaving a tip, but perhaps not as big as he would normally.

A female would have felt this emotional problem of ‘poor service’ during the meal and challenged the man had he been responsible for placing a tip.

(Andy Bolton)

5: RESPONDING TO YOUR QUESTIONS:

QUESTION: I am busy, busy, busy! I find it difficult to devote any time to any form of spiritual study, but yet know of its attributes. Is there any one single story or practice that can help?

ANSWER: Do not let your mouth overload your back! But there is a good little short story that may help…

PICNIC  / MEDITATION

In answer to the observation that some people say they do not meditate because they are too busy, the Dalai Lama told the following story:

A monk keeps promising his student that he will take him on a picnic but is always too busy to do so. One day they see a procession carrying a corpse.

"Where is he going?" the monk asks his student.

"On a picnic."

6. PHILOSOPHICAL TIPS & QUOTES

“The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring. And desire is not happiness.” (F.H. Bradley)

“Knowledge is proud that he has learn'd so much; Wisdom is humble that he knows no more.”  (William Cowper).

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. “ (Francis Bacon, (First Baron Verulam and Viscount St Albans)).

Bye for now.

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Phil Booker
Editor, Author, Businessman and Philosopher of Life.
Providing you with the Weekly Newsletter - WISDOM 4U

 

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